Surrounded by friends, laughter and good times.
And I feel lonely. I feel abandoned. My mood is shifting ever so fast. I feel on top of the world, then and earth-shattering change occurs. And I feel so low, so blue.
And I can't shake it. Cast parties at friends houses.
And I stay home. "I need to rest."
"My parents said, "No"" The truth is, I feel so out of sorts.
I feel as though I don't fit in with them. I feel alone. I'm so tired. So exhausted. Abandoned by myself. I left me. Sleep weighs down my eyes. My heart is heavy with anticipation from a mysterious something, loneliness, and depression. I fidget, trying to remain awake. I need to get this out. Please! Work this time! Let my emotions flow through my fingers onto this keyboard. My brain and heart work overtime now. They have for so long. My heart tries to figure out what I'm thinking, my brain tries to figure out what I'm feeling. I can't help think that people are mad at me. I've abandoned them too.
I don't "hang out" with anyone anymore. It isn't because I don't care. I love you all. I'm just too tired, too sad. My self loathing is taking over my life. I eat compulsively, and I can't stop. Once I start with the food I can't stop.
This continues for hours. Binge, purge, starve, binge, purge, starve. Cut, cut, cut. My life is full of adult problems. My abuse of so many years ago is on my mind all the time. "If I make myself so skinny, so bony, no one will touch me."
"This is my perfection. To have no flab. To just disappear."
"If no one can see me, no one can touch me." "He wants me when I'm fat." The cycle of self-hatrid is ever flowing, never ending. My thoughts are cluttered. My pulse is racing. The room is getting hotter.
Everything is becoming blurry. Confusion is overtaking. Sleep deprivation is taking over... But I'm not at peace well enough to sleep. | 